


All I need is to remember how it was to feel alive

by witchkid



Category: Degrassi
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29645331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchkid/pseuds/witchkid
Summary: When Wheels is diagnosed with breast cancer, his whole life takes a turn.
Relationships: Archibald "Snake" Simpson & Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, Joey Jeremiah & Archibald "Snake" Simpson, Joey Jeremiah & Derek "Wheels" Wheeler
Kudos: 2





	All I need is to remember how it was to feel alive

**Author's Note:**

> Commission for the lovely degrassi-headcanons on Tumblr! I hope you like it! I really enjoyed writing this one! :)

Nothing could really have prepared Wheels for that phone call. 

It'd been uncomfortable from the beginning, what with the doctor asking for "Miss Wheeler" in that overly polite tone. The misgendering wasn't a surprise of course, it'd been there since his first visit, but hearing it more often didn't make him any more happy about it. 

"Is this a good time? I'd like to talk about your test results."

"Yeah, I'm free right now," he agreed. 

"I think this will be easier if I'm direct with you. We actually found some cancerous cells." 

Her words didn't register at first, He ran them over and over his head, trying to comprehend what he'd just been told. 

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Of course cancer had been something that crossed his mind when he first found the painful lump in his chest, but since his first appointment they'd assured him that wasn't something he had to worry about. Cases in people as young as he was were quite rare, and he was a healthy young man. He'd taken that reassurance and trusted it from that first appointment, through the following exams, and all the days in between. This wasn't supposed to be a possibility. 

Suddenly, Wheels couldn't _breathe_. 

"Oh," was the only sound that came out of his mouth, voice lost to the shock. 

"I'm really sorry, miss, but I figured you wouldn't want to wait until the next appointment to be informed." 

It took him a second of silence to remember he was supposed to answer, and then another to force his voice to work. "Uh, yeah, thank you." 

"I'd like to schedule a new appointment as soon as possible to discuss all possibilities of treatment going forward." 

"Yeah, okay." 

He went through the rest of the call on a daze, going through the motions of exchanging information and empty pleasantries, so detached from everything he felt as though he was an expectator in the whole thing, watching in the background as his body replied mechanically. 

As soon as the call was over, he forced himself to write down the time and date for his next appointment on the first notebook he took a hold of before promptly collapsing on his bed. From that moment forward, he couldn't tell how much time passed, it didn't really matter either, it could have been seconds or hours, right then he barely remembered how to breathe. 

It didn't feel real. 

He lay there, in silence, thinking too much and too little at the same time, until it became unbearable. Then he pushed himself to get up, get dressed and walk to school, vaguely aware that's what he'd been intending to do before. 

Once outside, he was forced to confront how incredibly normal everything seemed to be. As much as it felt like his whole world turned upside down that morning, that wasn't the reality for anyone else. The sky was blue, the sunlight was bright, his neighbours were out and about, going on with their days, there were other kids on their way to school, late as him. 

If he tried hard enough, he could almost pretend that the call was merely a fever dream. 

Almost.

* * *

Thanks to his tardiness, he managed to avoid talking to his friends in his first class. It wasn't much, not when they managed to find him right after that, but he'd been thankful for having that period to collect himself. He wasn't sure what he'd have done otherwise, probably something reckless. 

Joey found him right after that, but by then he'd been somewhat ready to hum and nod in the right moments, half listening to what he was saying. It didn't take long for him to pick up on Wheels' bad mood, but at least he hadn't said anything about it. 

He was incredibly tired, but there was some odd comfort in being talked at by Joey and Snake, in pretending that nothing was wrong by going to class and avoid thinking about it. He even started to think he'd get through the day, not truly okay, but feeling less awful than at the start of it. 

He hadn't been ready to deal with Nick, Tabi and Dwayne. 

It hadn't even taken much of them to rile him up if he was being honest, he could barely remember what they said to start the fight. All that he knew was that at one moment he'd been trying to keep to himself and get to the end of the day, and the next all he could feel was anger. All of the turmoil he'd been keeping under control overflowing at once now that it had a "safe" target to focus on. 

Walking out of the school, tired and dishevelled and angry, but also _relieved_ , feeling the most present he'd felt in hours, Wheels couldn't bring himself to regret it. 

* * *

Wheels was tired. 

He had no idea how long he'd wandered for before he gave up and went home, aimlessly existing amongst strangers, failing to run away from his problems. 

Eventually he found himself on his bed again, not unlike that morning, curled up with the pain of too many thoughts, but instead of feeling floaty and disconnected it was like reality came crashing down on him, heavy and unforgiving. For all the carelessness he'd come to feel towards his life, he didn't want to die, not like this. 

He tightened the hold he had around himself, only to wince in pain after putting pressure on the wrong part of his chest, a cruel reminder of what all of this was even about, and the amount of hatred he felt towards his body right then couldn't be put into words even if he'd felt like trying. 

As far as dysphoria went, he thought of himself as someone with a good handle on it. He didn't _like_ his chest, but he could live with it. Could tell himself that since he was a man, this was a man's chest, and believe it most of the time unless life chose to remind him otherwise. It was livable, at least before, but now? Now all he had to feel towards it was anger. He never wanted this chest, this body, and now it was killing him. 

It was unfair. 

He was distantly aware that he was shaking, crying too, but it was hard to care. This was too much. 

The loneliness hit him next. 

He wanted to run away, but that wasn't an option when your own body was the thing against you, was it? But even then, as he became aware of this need he'd been pushing away all day, it was impossible to ignore it. He didn't think he wanted anybody to _know_ , didn't need their pity, but he could use the closeness, the comfort of having someone else there to take him out of his head, at least a little. 

It was with that resolve he called Snake, uncaring of how late it was or how much his voice was trembling when he rushed through his question. "Can I stay at your house tonight?" 

"Wheels?" his friend gave a confused pause, as if processing what he'd just heard. "Is everything okay?" 

"I– I can't talk about this right now, okay? Just– can I?" 

"Yeah, you can come over, Wheels, but really–" 

"Okay, thanks." 

He hung up before Snake could ask more questions he didn't know how to answer, focused on his single task of getting himself out of the house. 

He barely remembered the way there, like many things he'd done today his brain seemed to just turn itself off to save the pain of having to think about this any longer than he had to. One minute he was walking out of the door, and then the next he was in Snake's bedroom, crying all over him. 

Focus comes back to him slowly, he takes note of the arm thrown over his shoulder, and how warm and clammy he feels from both crying and the hug he's been given, all sound feels far away, like he's hearing it from underwater, but he's aware his name is being called, over and over amidst general reassurances that whatever caused this, it will be okay. 

He doesn't think it will, but he doesn't feel like telling Snake that. Instead he takes a deep breath, it comes out weird and uncomfortable because he's been crying this whole time and his nose is runny and gross, but it helps him to feel a little more afloat, enough that he takes a look at the boy sitting near him for the first time since he arrived.

Snake is such a perfect picture of concern that Wheels' heart aches for him. His face is scrunched up in a worried frown, and he keeps biting his lip everytime he stops speaking. He can almost feel his exhausted overthinking, and it hurts to be the one to cause that, but he's not in the headspace to comfort him right now – not when he can't even deal with himself – so instead, he wrapped his arms around him back, holding tight.

Part of him knows that any other time he'd find this awkward. Too close of a position to be in, especially with how much time he's been spending on thinking about this particular boy, but right now this is something he needs, so he closes his eyes and let's himself enjoy it. 

* * *

Waking up tangled up in Snake was an awkward affair. Without the panic clouding his judgement the embarrassment hit him tenfold, right along as the butterflies he'd been feeling so much around him and Joey settled in his stomach. As hard as it was not to regret coming over last night, everything felt less frightening there, in the hazy morning light where nothing seemed quite real yet. 

Wheels closed his eyes again, soaking up on that calm while he could. Soon the other boy would be awake, and he'd have to figure out what to tell him, and how much. Saying the truth… That didn't seem like something he was ready for, especially to Snake, who he knew would probably freak out about it,. He didn't deal well with anything that concerned death, and cancer brought up a very real possibility of that. 

That thought alone almost sent him in another depressing spiral, but the body under his tensed up, saving him from that particular anxiety. 

"Wheels?" Snake called, voice heavy with sleep. 

"Morning," he said. 

"... Morning." 

They sat up in silence, waking up slowly and carefully not mentioning anything about the position they'd been in, or the bigger elephants in the room, for that matter. Several moments were spent like that, as they both went to the bathroom, and back to the room, awkwardly dancing around each other. Until finally, Snake was the one to break the silence. 

"What the hell was that last night?" 

Wheels sighed. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Come on, you have to give me _something_ , you called me panicking in the middle of the night and you weren't being yourself–" 

The worry in his voice was clear, and it made him feel sick with guilt. It made him want to tell him everything. But Wheels was far too stubborn to go back on his decision. So he lied. 

"Look it was nothing, I'm okay." 

"Okay? Really Wheels? That was clearly something." 

"Well, I said I don't wanna talk about it!" 

" _Please_." 

"No."

"Wheels!"

He couldn't deal with this. 

"I'm going home." 

It was hard to leave, but he did so as hurriedly as he'd come over in the night. It was fairly early still, so he thankfully managed to avoid Snake's parents, as well as the boy himself coming after him. 

* * *

He surprised himself by actually going home as he said he would. But right now he just wanted that familiarity. Getting some comfort made him realise how much he'd wanted that in the first place. Not to be doing this alone, to be able to talk about it, to be _known_ and not feel like the only person who'd care about whether he lived or not. 

He missed his parents. 

He thinks he'd already have told them by now. Would have cried to them instead of running away to a friend's house. They'd have cared, too. It was sad to think of worrying them with something like this, but at the same time it brought a weird sort of comfort. 

He wanted to come home to them, but was instead greeted by his grandparents, talking in hushed tones. Wheels wanted to hate them, just for being there, but his mind was brought back to the conversation he'd had with his grandma not long ago, the one that made him decide to try and do a little better by them. She'd said they loved him, and that they missed them too. Maybe… Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to trust them with this instead. 

His grandmother was up the moment she saw him standing on the hallway, looking equal parts worried and exasperated. "Where did you go last night?" 

"I'm sorry." 

She was visibly taken aback by his answer. It prompted her to take a closer look at him, in search for the meaning of it. Whatever she found seemed to worry her even more, since, in her softest voice, she asked: "Have you been crying, Derek?" 

"Grandma I- I have cancer." 

* * *

In his next appointment he had his grandparents with him. It was embarrassingly reassuring. Nothing in the situation changed, he still had cancer, still had plenty of treatments to go through, could still die from it, and still it seemed like that made all the difference. 

He couldn't imagine how he'd get through the appointment without his grandma's comforting hand on his arm, or without someone there to speak that wasn't him, to ask questions when he couldn't bring himself to talk. They were told about possible treatment options, about the chemotherapy he'll have to do, as well as other exams he was expected to go through, the possibility of a full mastectomy – which as a trans guy, gave him mixed feelings – it was… Less horrible of an experience than he'd expected. 

Wheels went home extra dysphoria that day – not exactly a surprise after having to talk about his breasts and be misgendered the whole time – but somewhat reassured with the treatment plan in place. 

* * *

It was ironic how now that he had an excuse to miss school he wanted to go. 

For so long not going to school felt like a way of asserting his independence, but starting chemotherapy put it all on a different perspective. Wheels had only displayed a few of the side effects so far, the moments right after receiving the treatment he'd even thought he wouldn't feel any this first time, however there was an ever present tiredness now that he couldn't ignore, it wasn't unmanageable – at least yet – but it was noticeable he wasn't his feeling his best, and there was the nausea and lack of taste too, like with the fatigue they were manageable for now, but a constant reminder of his new reality. 

He'd forced himself to go to school anyway, wanted to hold onto this piece of normalcy while he still could – the doctor warned him that he might have to stop soon, chemotherapy had harsh side effects after all, so after some sessions it would not be possible for him to go. 

Even though they obviously couldn't tell what it was, both Joey and Snake noticed that something was wrong with him. He might have been annoyed at the glances they kept sneaking at each other if he had the energy, but as it was he pretended not to see them. 

In the end, it was a relatively good day. Snake tried to ask about that night again once during the first few days he'd been back, but let it go when he saw he wouldn't get an answer. Meanwhile Joey put his efforts in trying to distract him, and kept including him in conversations, even though Wheels himself wasn't helping it very much. It was sweet and it did cheer him up, even if briefly. 

Seeing Shane after school came as a bit of a surprise, he was standing by the gates, probably waiting for someone, he looked quite different from the last time they'd seen each other, he was still pretty short, but his features were a lot more masculine, as well as the way he carried himself, Wheels thought he looked good. 

It came as an even bigger surprise that he found himself approaching him, but before he knew he'd ready walked over to him. "Hey."

The other boy mirrored his confusion, but quickly answered with a low "Hello" of his own. 

They hadn't ever been friends, although that was not to say that they were ever on bad terms either or anything of the like. In Junior High, Wheels just didn't notice him much, never had a reason to hang out, and since the accident he just wasn't around enough for them to see much of each other. This was the first time in a long time he saw him around there alone actually, he was usually with Spike, Luke or Ms. Avery. 

"So, uh, how have you been doing?" he asked, mostly to be polite. He wanted to ask something, but it seemed weird to just jump into a conversation like that with someone who wasn't close to him. 

Shane McKay is the only other trans guy Wheels knows, It made sense to talk to him about this in particular when he saw him, but actually getting into the subject… 

"I–been good. How… about you, Wheels?"

"I've been better, but…" he shrugged, unsure of how to answer it without getting too into his problems. "I was actually wondering if we could talk?" 

"What– about?" 

It was a fair question, but not one he wanted to explain right there in front of the school, that just seemed risky considering he hasn't even told his friends anything yet. "I guess I wanted some advice," was what he settled for saying. 

Shane gave him a curious look. "Alright."

"Hm, could we talk over there maybe?" he pointed to a spot not too far from the school, on the other side of the street

Nothing that would be hard to spot for whoever Shane was waiting, but private enough that the stream of people coming out wouldn't be around to hear them. "I kind of haven't talked about this with anyone before." 

Shane nods and they make their way there silently. 

"Well this is a bit awkward, it's just–" he stopped to think, trying to find the right words. "It's probably better if I go straight to the point, you're the only other trans guy I know, you know? Do you have any… Tips to deal with dysphoria? Nothing I'm used to doing seems to work anymore." 

The other boy looked thoughtful at that, taking a moment to think about his answer. "What– kind of.. dysphoria do–you mean?" 

That at least was a simple answer. "About my chest."

Shane stayed silent for a moment, and Wheels let him think, eager to know, but not wanting to rush anything. "I try–to wear clothes...that I–like, sometimes a–lot of layers…if I can't-bind, do–you bind? And–and I talk to.. Spike, and it helps, sometimes…. if it's really–bad I try-to just… distract, 'cause thinking about–it doesn't… help."

Wheels shifted his weight from foot to foot. it _was_ helpful advice, he just wasn't sure it'd work for his situation, well, he hadn't tried talking to anyone, maybe that… But binding was out of question, and he'd already been layering his clothes, and while.it did help, it was not as much as it usually did. In the end, the whole situation he was in was the problem. It turned out to be incredibly hard to distract himself from that part of his body when it was taking up such a huge part of his life.

Realising he'd been quiet for a bit, he said a dejected "Thanks".

"You–always… seemed confident, did something… happen?" Shane asked, looking curious and a bit confused. 

While a valid question it made Wheels pause. How much of a reply did he want to give? He hadn't been planning to tell anyone about his diagnosis for as long as he could avoid it, but this wasn't someone he'd have to see in school everyday, and Shane did have his own experiences with scary medical experiences… 

"I've been diagnosed with breast cancer," Wheels rushed through the words, afraid he'd give up if he didn't. "Made for a fun time talking about my chest all the time." 

"That– sucks," he winced. "I… know we don't–talk a lot, but I'm–here for… you, if–you need anything." 

"Thanks, man." 

"For what-it's worth… I think you-can get through–this," he added a little awkwardly. "And just–, don't… forget that your-friends will be there for-you, even if it's–hard." 

"Yeah… Thanks." 

He wasn't sure of what else to say then, feeling grateful, but a little overwhelmed. Spike saved him from having to add to the conversation however, approaching them with a friendly smile. "Hey! It's been a while since I've seen you two together!" 

The three of them made some small talk before Shane and Spike left together. Seeing them happy with each other, he could see where his words had come from, she'd stuck by him through everything after all. That reassurance calmed something in him he hadn't even acknowledged.

He felt tired from the conversation, confronting these things from the first time definitely had an emotional impact on him, but he was happy he did it. Although not much had changed about his situation, a weight was lifted from his shoulders. 

* * *

His second appointment brought a lot of things into perspective. He felt incredibly tired, and the nausea became a constant in his life, even with the medication the feeling never completely went away. He'd skipped that whole week of school, unable to get out of bed for long enough for going to even be a possibility, and the difference that it made was only made more noticeable in comparison to the weeks before when he committed to go. His friends were starting to notice too, Joey called to ask him about it, and he'd told him he was sick. The effects dimmed with time so he might actually feel okay enough to go out again the second week post appointment, but it was nowhere near a good excuse if this would be a constant during the whole treatment… And there was the possibility he might not even be able to continue school during chemo at all. 

It made him want to crawl out of his own skin. Run away and scream for help again, but he didn't even have enough energy for that. 

The boredom was the worst. it had him thinking about all the what ifs, at some point he'd even found some of the scarce letters his dad sent him while looking over his things, he wondered if he'd care if he died. 

He wondered if anyone would. 

* * *

Joey was worried. 

Wheels had been acting increasing amounts of worrying since his parents died, but at that point that'd gotten somewhat predictable at least. It wasn't nice either way, but he knew what was up, now though… It was obvious that something had happened, when he brought it up to Snake, he told him about a night where Wheels showed up at his house and cried himself to sleep, then refused to explain why even days after, Joey himself wasn't present to anything like that, but he'd heard about a fight, and there were a lot of little things lately, the kind that wouldn't have meant much on its own, the tiredness, the aloofness, the determination to go to school, only to skip a whole week, show up for some days the next one looking _worse,_ and skip again. 

The visit had been his idea, and an equally worried Snake had elected to tag along. Which brought them to their current situation, awkwardly standing in front of their friend's house, wondering if it was such a good idea to show up unannounced.

Ever the confident one, Joey knocked on the door before he could think better of it. 

Wheels' grandmother looked surprised to see them, but gave a welcoming smile all the same as she asked what they were doing there. When they said it was their friend they were there to see, something shut off in her expression. If anything that made them more unsettled, however there wasn't much time to dwell on it as she let them in. 

They knock in the door, but it's just for show, as Joey opens it right afterwards loudly calling Wheels' name. The sight that met them at that moment wasn't what they'd been expecting.

From what they could see in the dimly lit room, it seemed like the space hadn't been cared much for recently. clothes were strewn around the floor haphazardly, there were random papers scattered on the table, and miscellaneous things thrown around without much care. As for the boy both of them had been looking for: Wheels could be found in his bed, blinking slowly at them as if just waking up. "Joey? Snake?" he asked, voice low and heavy with sleep. "What are you two doing here?" 

Joey charged in, smiling in a way he hoped projected confidence. "We've come to check on you! I mean, you were all determined to stay in school and stuff and then you stopped coming, we just, you know… Wanted to check in," he rambled on, feeling sheepish. 

"Oh." 

Wheels made a vague gesture for them to come in, sitting himself up on the bed, and so they approached him, careful not to step on anything on their way. With a quick look at each other, Joey chose to sit on the foot of the bed, while Snake got the chair. Up close, it was visible how tired Wheels looked still, it made him wonder how long he'd managed to sleep before they woke him up. 

The silence was awkward, and none of them seemed willing to break it. Until, finally, Snake was the one to do it. "Look, Wheels we're both worried about you." 

That seemed to wake him up, and he flinched, a telltale defensive look in his eyes. "I'm fine guys," he said, too fast to be believable. 

"We know you're not, Wheels," Joey said. 

Snake sighed. "Look you've been weird– weirder than usual, since that night you came talk to me. Then you got in a fight?" he paused, looking for the right words. "Then there was all that about going to school while you could, and you never look like you're really there anymore, and then suddenly you're just– gone!" 

Silence. 

Wheels wouldn't meet their eyes. He bit his lip, a nervous reaction while deep in thought, and then: "I haven't been going to school because I'm sick" 

Snake and Joey shared a look, unconvinced. "... For _weeks?_ " 

"I've got cancer." 

"What?" 

Joey couldn't tell which one of them answered, for a moment it was almost like he hadn't heard a thing, ears ringing loudly and blocking all outside noise. On that too slow moment he distantly registered Snake going rigid, and then asking the question he also wanted to ask 'Was this for real?', the subsequenting silence from both of them. And then all he could do was watch as his friends spoke in hushed tones and Snake left. 

"Joey?" 

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't know how."

Joey turned, feeling the need to properly look at Wheels, something he felt he hadn't done this whole time. Hunched over himself under his blankets, he looked small and tired. His hair was messy - from sleep most likely - which did a good job of hiding how much thinner it looked to anyone that wasn't looking for it, but was evident now that he was. There were bags under his eyes and his skin was pale. 

He didn't know how to answer, because what do you say in a situation like that? So he moved closer, wrapping his arms around him, offering comfort the only way he could think of how. 

It wasn't immediate, but eventually Wheels' arms found their way around his waist, and he started to cry. 

"You're gonna get through this, okay?" he reassured. "I'm here for you. Snake too, he just needs some time."

* * *

Snake was nervous. 

It'd been a few days since they'd been to Wheels' house. He knew Joey had been over since then, but he'd needed more time. It felt unfair when he thought about it like that, knowing that Wheels was the one dealing with having cancer in the first place, but Snake didn't deal well with death, and the thought one of his closest friends could die… Wasn't one he'd been ready for. In the end it took both time to process and Joey confronting him about it to make him realise that his friend wasn't dead and that the possibility of it shouldn't get in the way of him supporting him now. 

So it was then that he found himself standing in front of his room yet again, Joey by his side confidently barging in and calling Wheels' name. 

The scene wasn't much different than the last time he'd been there either, the room was dark and messy, maybe less so than before, but not drastically, and Wheels was in his bed. He wasn't sleeping this time however, as this wasn't a surprise visit, and he seemed much more alert overall, it was reassuring to see. He took a seat on the chair again while Joey made small talk, gathering his words. 

"Hm, so… I'm sorry about running off the other day, I'm not good at dealing with that kinda thing and I wasn't thinking," he almost said "death", but thought better of it. _Wheels wasn't going to die_.

"Yeah, okay."

They smiled at each other and just like that things were fine between them again. 

With that solved, the mood was lighter, and the conversation naturally went to mindless topics, like how they've been doing, what new things were happening in school, and whatever else came to mind, it was easy to forget that anything had ever been amiss. That was, until Joey decided to ask: "So, when are you thinking of cutting your hair? Or did you decide to let it naturally fall out?" 

The question was casual. like they'd talked about this before, but it made Snake anxious all over again just to think of the predicament his friend was in. 

"I want to cut it, I'm just waiting for some of the chemo to wear off so I can get out of bed for once," he rolled his eyes. 

That was a confusing statement for Snake. Wear off? Was that a good thing? It put into perspective how little he actually knew about cancer, in his mind, it was this scary and ominous thing that he was sure was dangerous, but not much else. He'd heard of chemotherapy before, but when it came to it had very little knowledge of how it was supposed to work.

"You have no idea what we're talking about, do you?" Wheels laughed, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

"Huh?" 

"You can ask about it, I don't mind." 

"Oh okay, uh…" what would be a good question? "I guess I didn't get the wearing off thing?" 

"Let's see hm… I have an appointment for chemo every two weeks and I get super tired and nauseous right after it, but the effect wears off with time, so when it's been a week or so I feel kind of more like a person again."

He made a face. "Seems like that sucks."

"It does!" 

Joey seemed thoughtful, before deciding to add in a question of his own. "Are you even going back to school?" 

"I hope so…" Wheels seemed uncomfortable, like he'd been avoiding that thought. "They might hold me back a year though." 

That was a thought he didn't like either, it was good that he planned to go back, considering everything, but it'd be a bit sad that they might be on different grades. "Does treatment really take that long?" 

"Yeah, sort of… Treatment is not just chemotherapy, you know? I have one more round of this and then 12 weeks of another type of chemo, after that there's surgery and radiation too."

"Surgery?!"

"Yeah... I'm actually a bit excited for that? I mean, I get to chop off my chest and all that." 

"Oh that's great!!" Joey went for a high five. 

"Yeah, I'm happy you get to have that." 

The conversation is easier to have than he expected, and it seems like the more they talk about it the less scary it is. It's still daunting, of course, and he's aware some of that anxiety won't go away, at least not until Wheels gets cleared by his doctors. 

It's natural when they move on from the cancer subject to lighter things again, but it's not as drastic of a transition as he'd have expected, it didn't need to be when the mood wasn't bad to begin with. 

He was happy he came over after all. 

* * *

The months that followed were some of the hardest Wheels ever had. The chemotherapy made him feel increasingly worse, and even with his friends and his grandparent's support it was still hard to deal with the very real weakness he felt while not being able to be fully present for a good amount of that time. 

He'd done his best to keep up with school from home as he could, however hard it was to have any motivation for that at all in the middle of everything else. Joey and Snake helped, studying with him and keeping him up to date with what was happening with everyone in school. He didn't know what he'd have done if they weren't there – probably something reckless. 

Finishing chemo was an experience of its own, the cancer had gotten a lot smaller by then, which was reassuring, and he'd been guaranteed by his doctors that with his choice of double mastectomy it'd be unlikely he'd get any again after removing all of his breast tissue.

Waiting on that was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was scary to think of having surgery, although this was a kind he'd already considered, at least partially. Wheels never thought cancer was how he'd find his way to top surgery, but it did seem like the silver lining of this experience, and it made him excited to think about it.

Surgery was a big milestone for him, like approaching one of the final steps towards the end of this. 

He couldn't wait. 

* * *

Wheels stared at his own reflection with a satisfied grin, happy with the way his shirt fell flat on his chest, and the short hair falling into his face. 

Recovering from the mastectomy was slow, so for the following two months of recovery, as well as the radiation therapy he'd done for the first, life didn't change much. He was excited about his surgery, and stopping treatment was a relief he wasn't able to. put into words, but the fatigue didn't simply fade. Gaining back strength was a slow process, even if an exciting one. 

But now, three months after surgery, he felt quite good about himself. Not only feeling like he'd reclaimed his body, but also like he fit better in it. 

His friends were yet to see him with anything that showed the results of his top surgery. The first two months he'd spent on recovery hadn't felt like the time for it, and for the month that came after he'd been mostly on comforting familiar clothes while still gaining back strength. But now they were going out together for the first time in so long and he couldn't help but want to show off a little. 

His feelings for Joey and Snake both were a little confusing at the moment. They were both his best friends and he loved them for it, but recently he'd found himself wanting perhaps a little more or their attention than the usual amount. Unwilling to think about it just yet, he'd decided to do whatever felt right, and if that was dressing nice to hang out then so be it. 

He left his room satisfied with himself, happy to walk slowly to their usual burger place. It was interesting to him how experiences like this could change your whole view in life. He was more than happy to get back to a normal. of sorts, back to school, able to go out with his friends again, but at the same time he was aware that wasn't who he was when this started. Having cancer hadn't erased all of the issues he's had before that made him so self destructive, but having such a frightening experience and having to contemplate if he'd get to live made him less willing to go the same paths he's had before. 

Immersed in his thoughts, Wheels almost passed right through his friends, if not only for Joey letting out a loud whistle, startling him. 

"Hey hey, Wheels" Joey called out with a grin. "Looking good today! You're rocking those tight shirts now, huh?" 

At his side, Snake rolled his eyes at the flirty tone, before genuinely smiling in agreement. "You look great."

He couldn't help the warm feeling that rushed through his cheeks at the compliments, nor could he stop his own bashful smile. "Thanks." 

The three of them went inside and got their usual order, it amused Wheels how the whole thing was still incredibly familiar to him. It didn't matter how long it'd been that they'd been there together, he could easily fall back into the routine of it. 

He took a large bite of his burger, and was immediately met with snickering from both of his friends. "Wow someone's hungry," Joey teased. 

"Shut up and let me enjoy food now that I can taste it!" 

The novelty of that particular thing hadn't gone away yet. During chemotherapy his sense of taste and smell had changed drastically, food was often bland or nauseatingly strong – it'd made him awfully picky – and a lot of smells that he'd been able to simply ignore before made him nauseous. While he'd adapted at some point, it was one of the things that'd bothered him the most during treatment, and he couldn't be more grateful for it to be over. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm not judging." 

Wheels wasn't sure how long they stayed there chatting about anything that came to mind, music, their friends, The Zits, school. They'd never stopped talking about those things, but it all felt more light-hearted now that he could talk about it while living it instead of only hearing updates from Snake and Joey. 

Being in remission didn't completely get his life back to normal, there were still follow up appointments and check up's and a general need to be more careful with his health, there was the anxiety and stress and all the little habits he'd made in this time that stayed with him. Even as he moved forward, there would always be reminders that this was a time in his life. But for now he felt okay. With everything he's been through since his parents, this is the most hopeful he's felt for his life in quite a long time. To Wheels, that was the important thing to hold onto.


End file.
